RELATIONSHIPS - Why Don't They Work?
By Sergio Salotto

It may surprise to know that according to statistics approximately 40- 50% of marriages end up in divorce within the first 3-4 years if not much sooner. And that does not include the majority of couples staying and enduring unhappy marriages or relationships, couples that have separated, couples staying together for the sake of their children, partners staying in abusive relationship out of fear of leaving etc. It also does not matter what your social status is neither. People experience the same issues—in fact, as is well known, many of the more affluent in our society get in and out of relationships at the blink of an eye.  

These are not very reassuring odds for anyone looking to find a life-long partner with whom to share their life.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to know with certainty that your relationship will remain and continue to flourish as it did when you first got together? A time when “love is all around,” you are the most important person in your partner’s life, you are made to feel special, enjoy a great sex life, share the same interests, do things together, feel connected even when you are apart, enjoy the loving telephone calls or SMSs just to hear one another and be connected; a time when you cannot even begin to imagine that things between the two of you could go wrong.

So why is that two people enjoying a wonderful courtship often (if not in most cases) end up in disastrous, anger filled and painful divorces or separations?

Whenever you experience and discuss issues in your relationship with parents, friends, colleagues and/or counsellors, they will tell you that “all relationships have their problems and you don’t resolve these by jumping in and out of the relationship every time you hit a problem,” or, “you made your bed now learn to lie in it.” Try as you might to put these “wise” words into practice however, you still don’t get it right.

I am sure you are very familiar with the saying that:
“If you want your relationship to work you must be willing and prepared to work at it.”

Well, let us take a closer look at this statement. What is it truly saying and implying? What it really says is that you are in a relationship that is not working. That is it - period.

You see, if it was really working, you would not have to work at anything to keep it together. It just would. Therefore, if you have to work at keeping your relationship together it means that, fundamentally, you actually do not have a naturally working relationship. Not a very comforting or encouraging thought is it.

Does this mean the end of your relationship? Not unless you are in a relationship you know you really do not want be in no matter what—in which case you should be honest and truthful with yourself and your partner and end it for both your sakes. If you really want to be in the relationship but are experiencing problems, understanding and eliminating the root cause will make it possible for you to get your relationship to work naturally without having “to “work at keeping it together.”

So how do you make your make your relationship work naturally?

The first thing you and your partner need to be honest and very clear about is whether or not you really want the relationship. As I said above, if either of you really does not want it for whatever their reasons, then get it over with and move on—that way you will have two happy people instead of miserable ones. One extremely important and critical addendum to this, if children are part of your relationship, never lose sight of the fact that regardless of the issues between you are parents, you carry an equal responsibility towards your children to ensure they are loved and cared for as if you were together. Your personal issues have nothing to do with your children. Since you were part of their conception, you are their parent for ever. And your role of conception (having had sex) brings certain life-long obligations and responsibilities. 

What do I mean by a relationship working naturally or automatically? As I indicated above, it means not having to work at keeping the relationship together. It means wanting to share your life with your chosen partner; allowing one another to be who and what you are; being in tune with one another; enjoying a oneness that enables you to openly discuss anything about yourself and your life; being able to resolve and agree on things despite your differing views; acting in the best interests of the end results rather than to prove your sense of rightness (being confrontational), wanting to prove your self-worth (satisfy your emotional fears) etc.

What I am not referring to is any mushy, slobbery, lovey-dovey relationship “stuff.” I am talking about the real things you want to experience in your relationship.

What is the fundamental cause of our relationship issues and problems?

A generally accepted belief—and in my view a justification—for the problems in our relationship is that being human we are imperfect and so cannot possibly expect things to go smoothly all the time. Now isn’t that an encouraging thought. Wise as we consider ourselves to be as a specie, we do not see this simple fact that by holding on to this belief we actually set ourselves up for failure before we even start; before even giving ourselves a chance to succeed.

What in fact about the possibility that the problems you experience in your relationships have nothing to do with you being an imperfect human. What if instead you are experiencing problems because you are:

• simply unaware of what you are “doing wrong” in the relationship
• getting into a relationships for the wrong reasons
• looking for personality traits in a partner which are (really) incompatible with your own because you have not yet truly identified or discovered your traits
• behaving in a manner that sends out the wrong “message” of who or what you really are – thus perhaps attracting the wrong type of person
• living in fear of being alone and not listening to your Inner Self telling you to do what is right for you
• compromising yourself out of your fear of the possible consequences instead of to taking a stand for what you want
• allowing yourself to be abused out of fear of not being acceptable, fear of being rejected, fear of not being good enough or other such emotional fear/need

Have you for example even wondered at or asked yourself, “Why do I want (or need) a relationship?” Without knowing the answer to even this simple question, how can you possibly even begin to have a good working relationship. Though you may believe you have gotten into a relationship for the right reasons, chances are  that you haven’t.

Test yourself by doing the following two simple exercises below (Questions 1 and 2)—will only take you a few minutes. The results might both surprise and help you take the first step towards finding a naturally working relationship.

If you are familiar with the proverb “curiosity killed the cat,” avoid being tempted to look at my suggested answers before first completing the exercise yourself. Cheating by looking at my suggested answers will only result in you diluting a worthwhile experience and lesson for yourself—but of course that is up to you.

These are not trick questions. Answer the questions quickly and briefly. No need to ponder over what profound answers you may need to provide. As the saying goes, “simply shoot from the hip.” Like for example, answer in single words like, love, happiness, good sex or the such like. Keep it simple but reasonably comprehensive. What you are being asked to list does not refer to any grand material schemes like having lots of money, good home, career opportunity or things of that nature—unless these are truly your fundamental reasons for getting into the relationship … in which case your issues and problems are not of an intimate nature but rather a business one—not what I am addressing or interested in here.

If you are not in an intimate relationship you may do this anyway—it may help you avoid getting into a problem relationship.

Do the questions in their sequence and write your answers on a piece of paper—you might want to ask your partner to do the same (if they are willing).

(Don’t limit your answers to the number of bullets shown here … make your own list)

Firstly:

1. Question 1
   List the things YOU want to receive/ experience/ expect from your/a relationship.
   
   5. 
      
      now do
      
      
2. Question 2
   Now list what YOU want to give to your/the relationship.

Before you read further, click (here) and compare your answers to both questions with what I anticipate you will have written. Do you see any similarities? If my lists have points which you might not have thought of and you feel they are relevant and applicable to you, if you wish add them to your lists.

Now continue reading …

Ok.  Let us do some analysis of the exercise you have done. (PS: if your partner has also done this exercise, he/she should be looking at pretty much the same things)

Compare what you have written in list 1 with list 2. What do you notice? Have your written pretty much the same things in both lists? Like for example, love, acceptance, trust, companionship—even if not necessarily exactly the same, have you are least the most important ones that are the same (like love and trust)? If you have then you are on the right track.

If you want to amend your lists, do that before reading on.

Right, let’s continue with the analysis.

The things you have listed in Question 1 are what you want and expect your partner and the relationship to give you. These are things you want to GET OUT/ RECEIVE/ EXPERIENCE. If you knew that your partner or the relationship could not give you these things, you would not even bother to get into a relationship.

The things you have listed in Question 2 are what you believe you can GIVE to your partner and the relationship. What they can expect to receive and experience from YOU.

Got that?

Look at the things in your list 1. Why do you want these things from your partner and relationship? Because not getting into an intimate relationship would result in you feeling and believing that you are unacceptable, not good enough, unlovable, that there is something wrong with you etc. In other words, it would reinforce all your emotional fears and needs driven by your MOULD. Being in a relationship makes you feel loved, accepted, fulfilled, secure, trusted, gives you companionship, you are not alone, you feel useful and so on—all the things you have listed … and perhaps even others not listed. An intimate relationship is therefore something you need because it fulfils your emotional fears and needs.

What else does this list say about you? That you believe that without being in a relationship you can never have any of these things; that they are not within you; that you are deficient. And this is not about the level or to what extent you feel you are deficient, it is about you perceiving yourself to either possess them or not. This is not about wanting to believe that you have them sometimes. You either have them ALL THE TIME or you don’t—that is why being in a relationship is so important.

Your list 2. What does this show? That you want to give to your partner and the relationship pretty much the same things that you are looking to get from them.

But, as shown above of list 1, you are wanting these things from your partner and relationship because you believe that without being in a relationship you do not have or can experience them.

How you can give to your partner and the relationship something (list 2) which you believe you do not have (list 1)?  It is not possible. Yet, this is precisely what you do. You get into a relationship believing that you are giving when in reality you have nothing to give because you are in fact there fighting to get out of the relationship all the things you believe you do not have.

How does this play out in your relationship?  Dependent on a relationship to fulfil or satisfy your emotional fears and needs of acceptance, love, companionship, trust etc., you create a list of expectations that your partner and/or the relationship must meet so that you can feel whole and complete. To find that special someone, you behave in a manner that you perceive will be acceptable to a would-be partner. You might flirt, date, party, smoke, drink, and so on. Unaware that your behaviour is driven by your desire to overcome your MOULD, you have done this for so long in your life that you believe consider that you behave the way you do because it is your personality, who you are. One day you  meet someone who happens to like your behaviour and this leads to you getting into a relationship.

From that moment the two of you become a unit. You feel loved, you feel on top of the world, life is great, everything is just fantastic, your friends and family are happy for you and so on. In fact, nothing in your life could be better. The cherry on top comes when you seal your relationship in marriage - if marriage (in whatever form) is what you desire and want.

As most of us have experienced with relationships, sooner or later our dream relationship ends—or a marriage. Devastated, you ask yourself, “where or how did it all go wrong?” Of course, break ups are always our partner’s fault. They are the ones responsible for our misery, they are at fault, they stopped loving us, they are to blame for the pain and suffering we are experiencing.

But what has really gone wrong? Why has the relationship really broken up?

As already shown above, when you get into a relationship from a point of not being OK with yourself, you create a list of expectations that your partner and the relationship must meet so as to satisfy your emotional fears and need of non-OK’ness. Having a “grocery” list of expectations that need to be satisfied what you are really doing is getting into the relationship to take. And you will take whatever you need to fulfil your sense of self-deficiency. As your partner is in the relationship for the same fundamental reasons, to take, what you end up with is a relationship in which both of you are there to take—either from one another or from this notional “thing” you call a relationship. As both of you are there to take, then clearly neither of you can be there to give. If neither are giving, there can be no resources from which either of you can take anything. Through your mutual taking, you consequently create a relationship of nothingness, emptiness. A relationship from which neither of you can satisfy your respective expectations. Feeling thus unfulfilled, you blame one another for the way you feel and look for a way out of the relationship. And you do that by destroying your relationship …or marriage. A natural and inevitable outcome because as a TAKER you have no option but to turn into a destroyer when circumstances do not meet your expectation..

Furthermore, being dependent on your relationship/s to fulfil your emotional fears and needs, you make yourself dependent on your circumstances—partner and the relationship—and so become a victim of your circumstances unable to exercise any degree of freedom of choice or take responsibility for your life.
That is why you have to “work to keep your relationship working.”
If you have to work at keeping your relationship going, what you are really doing is working to keep afloat a ship that is on its way to the bottom. And it is only a matter of time before your eventually will lose the battle.

YOUR LIFE CAN BE DIFFERENT

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