UNCOVERING YOUR MOULD
By Sergio Salotto

This article is to assist you uncover your personal, unique life driving belief. One that is far more meaningful to you than just a generic “I am not good enough.” This requires you to do some “self-introspection,” some work (smile).

Most of us experience moments in our life when things don’t go our way and we are left with the feeling of “not being good enough.” But, as I explained of my own journey, this belief is not the bottom line. So be careful not to kid yourself by taking this as the easy way out so as to avoid digging deeper within—as I will explain, this can be an easy trap or escape route that will not serve you.

I cannot over-emphasize the importance of this article and the exercises I offer and invite you to do as the results play a major role in how you are experiencing and living your life. So, be real about your life experiences; be real about your beliefs, emotions and feelings. If you decide not to face the realness of your beliefs in order to escape experiencing your truth, remember that you will only be conning yourself.

This is all about you. No one but YOU.

Only YOU can control the extent to which you take an introspective look at how you are living your life. Only YOU can bring about the changes you want and are available to you.
 
Instead of just reading this article from beginning to end like one tends to do, I recommend you do the exercises as you go along instead of reading “over” them. I understand this may be asking a lot but it may serve you better in the long run. I know this is like giving you a gift and asking you not to unwrap it until I tell you (yeah, right). If you can resist the temptation however, give it a try. If you don’t restrain yourself from just reading “over” the exercises, it is not the end of the world. It just means that you might find it difficult to relate or understand your life role as I explain in my other articles.

As you work through the exercises/processes, become very aware of your experiences and unique truth. For example, consider these unique beliefs (MOULD) belonging to two other persons

• I am unlovable
• I cannot be loved

On the face of it, both appear to mean the same thing. However, the meaning to the respective individuals is completely different.

To support you in what you are working toward, below I list some unique beliefs (MOULDs) of people I have worked with. It is important however that you do not get “locked” into any of these examples even if you happen to identify very strongly with one or more of them. Even if yours happens to have the exact same words or a slight variation thereof, unless these words come from your own emotional experience or reality, it will not have the same meaning for you.

I have had people (sadly) stop themselves from facing the reality of their bottom line MOULD because they did not want to experience the life-long pain it has brought them. Or, they did not want to acknowledge it as their truth—out of fear of accepting that this is who or what they really are. Should you find yourself in this position, I urge you not to give in to such thoughts or fears. Instead, consider how much pain you have lived with to date as a result of your belief (being “not good enough”). Do you really want to continue living like this when you have the opportunity of freeing yourself from it all?  Take this opportunity to experience your pain at its highest one more time in order to rid yourself of it—possibly forever. I say “possibly” because once you have identified it, you will have the power and control to let it go forever.

Here is a list of fundamental beliefs (MOULDs). Work through your own experience and reality. If your own MOULD should be similar to any of these, know that you are not alone; that there is nothing abnormally wrong with you. We have all been there.

• "I do not exist"
• "I do not belong"
• "I am not wanted"
• "I am a mistake"
• "I am not loved"
• "I am a nobody"
• “I am a nothing"
• “I should never have been born"

This process is not about what or how you would like things to be or not to be, what is good or bad, positive or negative. It is about getting in touch with what is. Only through acknowledging and accepting what is will it be possible for you to shift. You can only create a shift in your life when you deal with the reality of what is. If we do not deal with reality you deal with things through a sense of imaginary or illusionary reality—in other words, non-realness.

If you want to experience the joy of true freedom of choice and inner peace, it is important that you get in touch with and identify your unique fundamental belief (MOULD). It’s the source of all your compromises and resultant emotional pains arising from your life expectations not being met—which you have created as a way of overcoming or negating how you see yourself.

Your fundamental belief is nothing mystical, nor is it buried so deep within that you have to undergo any major therapy or journey of self discovery. As it is the primary driving force in your everyday life, it is something you experience and are constantly aware of most, if not all, of the time. The only difficulty you face in identifying it is your own resistance to acknowledge it for what it is. The main thing you have to do is to be real (or honest, if you prefer) about how you see yourself through other people’s eyes. Keep in mind that you are not looking at how others see you. You are looking at how you see yourself in their eyes, especially in the eyes of your parents—or at least one of them.

Here is your first exercise.

Take note:

Make sure your are open and honest with yourself about your experience.

Exercise

Close your eyes and bring to mind your relationship with your parents—biological, foster or adoptive—those whom you consider and feel to have had the greatest impact on your life. If you know you are adopted and did not know your biological parents, consider whether, deep within, this may be have affect your life—for example, you might still be wondering why they gave you up. In looking at this relationship, it is extremely important that you understand and realize that this exercise is not intended to be a judgment or assessment of your parents’ behavior toward you.

Your objective is to access your innermost feelings: what YOU feel and believe about how your parents feel/felt about you. I cannot emphasize this enough. This is about YOU and not your parents. Also, this is not about how you would have liked or wanted things to be just because they were your parents. So don’t go thinking or wanting to excuse your parents’ behavior because this exercise is not about them. This is about YOU. It is about you being real to yourself about the way IT IS for you—the way you feel about and experience yourself with regard to your relationship with your parents.

Now ask yourself the questions below. Be truthful and honest. Allow yourself to experience or relive your real emotions and beliefs; allow these to reveal to yourself how YOU truly feel about your parents’ relationship with you. In other words, what YOU believe their relationship is toward you. I cannot emphasize enough times that it is YOU that you need to focus on, how you feel, what you belief. This is not about what or how you would like it to be or want to believe their feelings are toward you.

Allow your “gut feeling” to “talk” and express itself. Do not seek to make words fit out of your logical, rational thinking just to suit your perceptions or beliefs of how or what it should be. Let your “gut” expose your reality as it truly is for you.

What is your truth about each of these questions:

Q.  Did your mother make you feel that she loved you?
Q.  Did your father make you feel that he loved you?

Do YOU feel more loved and accepted by one of them? If so, let them go and focus on your other parent.

When you look at yourself in the eyes of your other parent, how do you see and feel them looking at you? Do you feel and belief something like—again, don’t limit yourself to these examples, allow your own truth to surface and own it as your truth:

• I am not wanted
• I am in the way
• I am a nothing
• I should not be here (as in being born)
• everyone else is better than me
• I am useless
• I wasn’t meant to be born

It is important that you uncover your own unique individual belief (MOULD). Whilst your may be similar or have similarities to one or some of the above examples, or be completely different, it does not matter. What is important is that it is your own realness, what it means to you and how it has affected and is affecting your life.

If you find this mental exercise a struggle, try using the writing version below—the way I uncovered mine so I know it works.

Writing exercise:

Make quiet time for yourself. Have writing pad or paper and pen (or pencil) with you and begin to write about events in your life. If you use a pencil, don’t hassle about erasing anything; it is not necessary. There is no time limit for this as it depends on your individual needs. I recommend that you set aside "chunks" of time for each session—an hour as a minimum. Inform those around you to respect your need for privacy and you’re you are not to be interrupt unless it is for an emergency. Do not set yourself a maximum time limit neither for any session. End each session when you feel ready to stop not because of a time limitation. Also, you are not writing a novel, text book or exam where grammar, punctuation, spelling, flow of text etc. are important. So forget about following rules of grammar; write however comes naturally to you at the time.

As this is exercise is more like writing up a personal diary, you are not writing anything aimed at impressing anyone. I also found that it is not about the quantity, grammar or structure of your writing that creates the results. If you focus on any of these aspects you run the risk of not exposing your real experiences and feelings. I fell into that trap. Firstly I wrote in a protective mode. My second attempt was relaying the events as a third party to the events. Neither of these worked for me. So don’t fall into the same trap because it will not help you. Your writing must be about your feelings, beliefs and (the) why you behaved the way you did (or do) and made the decisions you did (or do) in your life.

What do you write about?  As you reflect on events in your life, no matter in what order—past/present/past—write about them. This is what worked for me and I have no doubt that it can also work for you. Always write:

• in the first person; if it helps, start your senten­ces with, "I"
  
• about yourself as if you are speaking to yourself. Talk about your emotions, feeling­s and what you experienced etc. as if they are happening to you in the now, like this is a personal diary, only more so.
  
• re-live the event you are writing about. Express all of the thoughts, emotions and feelings you are experiencing. Ask yourself and answer such questions as, “What did I do? Why did I do it? Did I really want to do it? What did I really want to do, instead? Why did I not do what I really wanted to do?” It’s very important that you do not justify your actions or behavior. Your sole objective is to uncover your reality. For example, (say, you are married) Question: Did I really want to get married? Answer: No. Question: Why did I get married? Answer: I wanted to be loved; fear of what others would have said and thought of me if I had called it off at the last minute; would have upset my parents. Great, now ask yourself the question, “Why is it not okay for me to upset my parents?” Do you see how this now becomes another event or situation you can write about?
  
• pour your heart out openly and honestly onto your paper; do not hold back on anything for fear that you may hurt someone or because you think that you should not be like that or have such thoughts or feelings. Tell it, as it is for you.
  
• be so truthful and real about what you write that, in fact you would not want anyone else to read what you have written (a good measure of how truthful you are being).
  
• expose your real innermost feelings about your life.
  
• do not judge anything you write as being stupid, or frivolous, or that it should not be, or that you should not have done it and that you were wrong or right. Do not be tempted to judge what you did or did not do, just write it down as you experienced it.
  
• do not hold back or suppress any emotions or feelings as you re-live the event. If anything, allow your emotions and feelings to spur you on to write all and whatever else they may bring up for you.

Most important:

you are not telling or writing a story about your life as if you were either not there or just an observer. You are putting down all that you have experienced in life as it was and/or is. Consider, for example:

• whether you really wanted to do what you did. What would have been the possible emotional consequences of not doing it?
• if you did not do something you really wanted to do, why did you not do it?  Was it because of your fear of the possible consequences?
• what did you really feel at the time when you did something against your wishes?
• what were your thoughts? What did you fear?

As you write about your events and experiences, consider the following points I offer you as prompts. Get in touch with your true feelings and emotions. Do not see this list as prescriptive, limiting or even exhaustive of possible questions or circumstances. As you consider each prompt (in no specific order) ask yourself the question WHY? again and again and, against each WHY, write your feelings, emotions, beliefs, fears, etc. until you get to your bottom line.

It is important that in working through this exercise you keep in mind that you are looking at your own beliefs and feelings about yourself. Don’t fall into the trap of justifying these to yourself based upon your belief of what or why others behaved in the manner they did. Like for example a common one is, “I did not feel loved by my dad … but I know he loves me.” This is not about what you want to think about how he feels about you. This is about you acknowledging your own reality which is, “I do not feel loved by my father.” That’s it. It has nothing to do with whether or not your father loves you. This is not an exercise to judge him, or whomever. If you do that, you will end up simply justifying to yourself that you have a right to feel and believe what you do about yourself and that will prevent you from taking responsibility for your life and shifting your position. Here are my prompts:

• did you do things to please your parents? (example answer: “Yes.” Then look at WHY you did this (possible answer) “Because I did not want to upset them.” Now look at WHY it was important to you not to upset them (possible answer) “I feared they would not love me.” Next step consider WHY you believe they would not love you (possible answer) “Because they did not want.” Next ask yourself WHY you believe you were not wanted…and so you go on until you get to your bottom line.
• did you go against your parents’ wishes?
• did you conform to social standards?
• how important was/is it for you to please others?
• is it important for you to be accepted? If not why not?
• is the way you dress and look important to you?
• did you have pre-marital sex? If you did why did you? If you didn’t or haven’t, why not?
• write openly about your sex life, your views on sex, your beliefs, fears, attitudes on your sex life and whether or not that is what you really feel within. Be clear between what you want to believe and what you really feel or would want. Then consider why you don’t take a stand for what you really want.
• what are your expectations of your family?
• (if you have children) Why did you have them? Did you really, really want them?
• what are your expectations of other people—socially, career wise etc. and why?
• what of your life's dreams? Did you give up on them? If so, why?

Keep going with whatever else comes up for you.

By the end of this exercise, if not before or during, you are likely to see a pattern developing showing you how many decisions you have made out of your fears of the possible emotional consequences you would have to endure. You’ll also discover how often you compromised yourself, again, out of your fears of the possible emotional consequences you would have had to bear if you did not compromise.

Looking at what you have written, if you had to stand back and take a broad overall look at how you have lived your life, how would you answer the following questions? Answer them in one simple statement, or word, without giving reasons or justifications:

• In those situations when you gave up on what you really wanted to do, why

did you give up?
 
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• In those situations when you did something you would have preferred not to do, why did you do it?
  

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As you work through this exercise you should begin to see a pattern of how you have done things (or not done) in order to be accepted and why. What should also become clear is how your need to be accepted is to satisfy your fundamental belief (MOULD) of how you see yourself in other people’s eyes (I am not wanted, I am useless, I am a nothing, or whatever your own belief will be). If you have succeeded in getting in touch with your own belief, write it here:

“My fundamental belief is,   -------------------------------------------------------------.”

Note:
If you find yourself resisting to acknowledge this fundamental belief because you are having such thoughts as, "I don't want it; it is not possible; I am better than this; I am not this bad etc."  I advise you not to fight it. Denying your reality will not allow you to shift from this position and by not shifting you will end up being an eternal victim of your circumstances.

If you should experience the pit of your stomach going into a knot at the thought of acknowledging your fundamental belief, then let it be. Do not negate it. In fact, you should aim to make the pain bigger, let it grow. If necessary, let it take over your whole body. Do not escape this moment. When you feel as if you cannot contain the pain any longer, allow your pain to express whatever you truly feel about yourself. If appropriate, you might want to start with the words, "I am …” Say it two, three, four times, if necessary. If you feel like it, shout it out loud for the world to hear (I mean it) regardless of what anyone else may think. Right now you are the most important person on this planet. Forget about whatever anyone else might think. Why should you care, anyway? Whatever you do, make sure you let your belief out as it is; make it your own; acknowledge it as your truth. Once you have done this, you should experience an inner release and calm.

At this point, take a few quiet moments and observe what is going through your mind’s eye about your life. As you observe your thoughts, it should become clear to you that your fundamental belief has been the driving force behind how you have shaped or MOULDed your life; how you sabotaged your own efforts at proving to yourself your OK’ness and how you blamed others for not making you feel okay. It should also become very clear to you how, in fact, you have been the root cause of your emotional pain in your life. If it is any consolation, take courage in the thought that you are not alone in any of this.

When looking at my belief, the way I saw myself in other people’s eyes was that everyone else was better and more important than me. That translates into my believing that other people saw me as lesser than them. That was what drove me to compromise myself and give up on the things I really wanted. This was all because I needed to prove to myself, and to everyone else, that I was equal and, therefore, worthy of being recognized as a somebody. As noted earlier about how other people see themselves as, “not being wanted,” or “a nothing,” or they would say, “I don’t exist.” That is how they see themselves and is not necessarily how others really see them. It is how you see yourself that determines your decisions and actions.

Come back to review this article when you are faced with any situation where you suddenly experience that feeling of needing to compromise yourself for the sake of being accepted, or out of fear of being rejected. What you will find is that you are being driven by your MOULD.

YOUR LIFE CAN BE DIFFERENT

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