DISCOVERING MY INNER PEACE
By Sergio Salotto

DISCOVERING MY INNER PEACE

This article is about my life journey and how and why I made the changes I did. My objective with this article is two fold. Firstly, there is a good chance that you may identify with a number of fundamental elements of my experiences. And this may help set the scene for your own journey. Secondly, and more importantly, it is to introduce you to the unique and fundamental driving force which  is affecting your life.

My journey….

The year is 1991. As I look back on the past twenty plus years of my life, I see a marriage of fifteen years with two children whom I adopted (from my wife’s first marriage) and cared for as if they were biologically my own; a family business venture gone wrong back in the ‘70s; presently struggling to make ends meet whilst trying to keep a new small family business going; and my present career prospects not doing so well. All things considered, I was not feeling so great about my life.

With respect to my marriage, like most we experienced our good and not so good times. Being Italian, I saw it as my responsibility to ensure that I was the breadwinner. This suited both my wife and me as she preferred to be at home with the children and I believed that this is where a mother should be. All in all, we were living what can probably be considered your normal average family lifestyle. But I was not satisfied, I wanted more for all of us.

In my job, I believed I was not getting the recognition I deserved; I believed I should have been earning a better salary for the job I was doing. Realizing that I would never get rich working for a boss, I ventured into buying a small haber­dashery shop. My wife was a good seamstress manufacturing personalized, machine-knitted garments, sewing etc. The plan was for my wife to run the shop until it got to the point where we were financially independent enough to allow me to leave my job. It didn’t work out as planned. Managing the shop resulted in many disagreements between us and loads of stress, frustration, irritations, and general unhappiness—to say nothing of the depletion of the few resources we had. Whilst I could have blamed many things for the situation I was in, that wasn’t going to resolve anything, either for the shop or at home. If anything, it would only have made matters worse.

These were not good times in my life. I felt that I wanted to run away; be on my own; live out my life doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. But, having a family to care for, my career and now this added business issue, my thoughts of running away were not easy to put into practice. But I needed to do something. I needed to find a way to bring some meaning back into my life. But how do I do this? I decided to begin with re-assessing my position in life.

I analyzed and reviewed the major factors in my life and then considered making the following changes:

• Get rid of the shop—that would alleviate our financial pressures which would result in an overall release of tension, stress, and other emotional issues I was carrying
• Change my career path by accepting a job opportunity that would place me in an executive management position with partnership possibilities
• Ask my wife to get a job. That way we could improve our financial position; perhaps I had been holding on to archaic ideas about being the sole breadwinner for too long

Despite these considerations, deep within something kept telling me these were not the ultimate solutions—there was something else at stake. So I silently kept on analyzing things without sharing this with anyone.

The day came when I seemed to have identified the real issue. I no longer wanted to be married. I wanted to be on my own; to experience and do all the things I had not done in my life; I wanted to be free. But the thought immediately raised concerns about the consequen­ces of a divorce. How would this affect the children—especially as I was their second father to walk out on them? How was a divorce going to affect their schooling and their futures? How would my wife take and then to cope on her own? And how was going to tell her? Was it really what I wanted or was I just being impulsive? Am I really unhappy with my wife? Sure, there are things about my wife I would like to be different, but not doubt there are things I ought to change about myself also to please her. What if I later discovered I had made a mistake? Do I really have the right to ask her if she will have me back? What if, by the time I realize this, she has found someone else—then how am I going to feel? What if this is just a passing phase I was going through which had nothing to do with my marriage? Am I giving up everything we have worked for just for this moment of confusion and doubt?

And so I kept arguing with the "little voices" in my head. This went on for the best part of a year when in the latter part of 1989 we agreed to separate. In December 1989, I went on my first solo two-week vacation. Driving back from that vacation I thought about my life, my family and my relationship with my wife. I noted how differently I was seeing my wife since we separated. In fact, during this period of separation we had shared more wonderful moments, had more fun and seemed closer than we had been since our courting days. This made me wonder whether I was making a mistake in considering a divorce. I also realized how judgmental about I was of other people's behaviours, attitudes and beliefs; how important it was for me to be right about my opinions and views. Had I perhaps got it all very wrong? Did this mean that I could now get back with my wife and family? I needed to be sure. I could not afford to make any rash decisions. I was also not about to minimize and take advantage of my wife's understanding by expecting her to take me back with unconditional open arms.

By the middle of January 1990 I had decided I would go back home and reunite with my wife and family.  And to celebrate my “homecoming,” I decided I would also take this opportunity to celebrate our wedding anniversary on 31 January. Given that the 31st fell on a weekend, I arranged for time away for us. It was a blissful weekend.

Sadly, my bliss was to be short-lived. Within eight months of us getting together again, I found myself back at square one. I was back to feeling not okay with myself; back to feeling I did not want to be in the marriage. I realized that this time I could not mess about with my wife’s feelings. The only real solution was to ask my wife for a divorce and put an end to all my “stuff.” Huh! Easier thought than put into action.

Just thinking about such action immediately gave rise to all of the same fears I faced previously. Whilst one side of me said yes, the other presented me with all the possible consequences of getting divorced: What would everyone think of me? How could I leave my family? What if I was wrong? What about my daughters and the effect on them?.. and so on. Thoughts that just kept fuelling my guilt trip and fears and resulted in my reprimanding and punishing myself for my "lack of guts" to take a stand despite seeing myself becoming a burden to everyone in the family. This just added to my feeling of inadequacy and not being good enough which, in turn, just resulted in my experiencing more emotional pain emotions and more fears.

In spite of how I felt, there was no way I was going to show it and admit it to the world. The way I coped and faced the rest of the world was through justifying to myself that I was doing the right thing by weighing up all the possible consequences and delaying making a decision until I was really sure. This was the “act” I created for the people around me. It was an act of appearing to be in control, able to handle the situation in a mature and responsible manner.

In October 1990, my wife agreed for us to separate once again. By now any other woman would have undoubtedly booted me out of her life permanently, and justifiably so.

During our second separation, a friend recommended I attend a life awareness workshop. With some apprehension, I enrolled. The workshop certainly lived up to all she had told me. My experience in that workshop enabled me to gain a better understanding and appreciation of my life and gave me tools on how to cope with events, situations and circumstances. I recommended to my wife that she also do it. It turned out that compared to mine her experience did not seem as impactful on her life. It nevertheless resulted in my moving back home in February 1991. 

Despite what we had both gained from the workshop, two months after we got back together, I once again began experiencing that same feeling of emptiness and non-OK’ness. Something was still missing and I could not seem to identify it.

During April 1991, I began having thoughts about writing on my life events. I considered these thoughts as weird, bizarre. I had never kept any diary or written anything about my life. I thought, “what could I possibly have to write about and for what purpose?” The thoughts about writing made no sense to me. But they persisted to the point of becoming a nagging feeling that I just had to do this. Finally in early May 1991 I began to write.

What did I write about and how did I write?—you may want to take note of this as it may assist you with your own journey should you decide to take it.

From the outset, I decided that I would simply write things down in whatever manner they came to mind. By this, I mean writing without giving any attention to the sequence of events or period in my life. I was merely going to record them as they presented themselves to me without even giving any consideration to the grammar, sentence construction, spelling or anything like that. Furthermore, I had to write things down regardless of what or how they may have impacted anyone I may need to refer to in what I was to write. In other words, I was to write down everything for what and how it was for me; that is, according to my reality regardless of any possible consequences.

It took three attempts to get this right. In my first attempt, I found myself writing in the third person. I was writing “stories” about the events in my life. I was relating them in a manner where I felt these were not “my events.” It was like I was simply relating an event much the way I would share an experience with someone over a drink in a pub, or at a party. This approach did not feel right. In my second attempt, I found I was writing from a point of “self-protection.” I wrote out of fear of how others would feel if they were to read what I was writing about them—my fear of possible consequences of rejection. This also did not sit right with me. So I scrapped that and started for a third time.

In my third attempt I finally got it right. I realized that I had to put things down the way they really were for me without giving any consideration to how anyone else might interpret or feel about what I was writing. The more I got into this manner of writing, the easier it became—to the point that I began to enjoy pouring out my heart (so to speak) on those executive pad sheets of paper. During that month of May 1991, I would sit down most nights and write whatever came to my mind. Some nights I would write for a couple of hours, other times half-an-hour and some nights I would not write anything.

Into the first few days of the next month June, I had written about fifty ages. I now had the feeling of reviewing what I had written. As I read and began contextualizing what I had written, I saw a pattern develop about my life. I could see how everything I had ever done or tried to do, everything I had strived to achieve, things I had said or refrained from saying, and my behaviour were all driven by a fundamental belief that I had about myself and how I saw myself in life. The belief that, “Everyone else was better and more important than me.” Generally speaking, that “I Am Not Good Enough.” As I saw this, everything about me and my life became very clear. In that same moment many other realizations and observations of events and situations in my life also became very clear to me. It was like watching a movie of my life’s events playing before my eyes. I was seeing and realizing all the “whys”, “whats” and “hows” of everything I had done.

But my most significant realization by far was seeing and realizing how everything I had done, or not done, in life was driven by my fundamental belief that “Everyone else was better and more important than me.” This had been and was the driving force behind everything; the source of all my emotional fears, anger, frustration, guilt, unworthiness, loneliness, fear of unacceptability, rejection and everything else. I saw how all I had ever done was strive to (primarily) prove to myself, and the rest of the world, that I was just as good, important and deserving as anyone else. Everything I did in life: my career, relation­ships, marriage, friendships, education, sports, obedience to my parents, abiding by rules and regulations of society, etc. was to gain approval, be accepted and to prove to myself that I was just as good, important and deserving as anyone else.

I realized how out of my belief that “Everyone else was better and more important than me,” I compromised on whatever I really wanted for myself in my effort to gain recognition and acceptance. My belief was My Own Unique Life Driver—my MOULD (acronym I will use from here on). It was the fundamental driving force behind almost every decision I had made in and about my life. It effected everything.

Like for example, during my high school years when I had my eye on a particular girl, believing she would not be interested in "little old me," (ever happened to you?) I did not have the courage to let her know how I felt about her—goodness only knows how I was ever going to have a relationship with her without letting her know my feelings. When, eventually, we did get together, I was, as you might imagine, overjoyed because it made me feel as good and important enough as others.

My belief however resulted in many problems in our relationship because to maintain my sense of acceptance of her it was important for me to show her how good I was. And one of the ways I did this was to want to show and prove to her how right and good my life values and principles were—that way she would have no need to look at anyone else. How did I do this? By expecting her to conform to and meet my expectations of how she should behave in our relationship—my “picture” of what constituted a good relationship. When she did not meet my expectations, I criticized her and made her out to be wrong. It was my way to justify my sense of rightness out of fear that she would think I am wrong and would leave me for someone else.

Driven by my MOULD, I needed to be show that I was good enough and important. So I had to prove my rightness to ensure she would stay with me. When things did not work out the way I expected them we would end up arguing and quarrelling all because, in that moment, her behaviour made me feel unimportant and not as good as others—the triggers of my fears of losing her.

Looking back, I could see how our relation­ship had no chance of success. I could now see how my partner could never meet my expectations. What I saw was how my wanting her just for myself actually resulted in me smothering her and depriving her of her freedom. What I believed to be the right way to keep her for myself was, in fact, a self-sabotaging mechanism for the destruction of the relationship. And, when we argued or broke up, of course I would blame her for the relationship not working out as I wanted.

The same fundamental principles applied in my career. If I was ever given any kind of recognition or acknowledgment for having done something right, this would spur me on to prove my rightness even further in order to show and prove how important I was. In so doing, I created more expectations which, when not met, made me feel and believe that everyone else was considered to be better and more important than me. Those feelings would then spur me on to stand even more in my rightness in order to prove my worth. Little did I see, however, that the more I stood in my rightness, the more I was alienating myself thus simply starting the whole cycle of having to prove my worth and importance over again.

It was the same with everything else in my life. For example, though I have not been one to stand in awe of other people—respect, yes, but not overawed—I considered those who, in my view, were given recognition above me to be better and more important than me. This applied equally to family, friends, colleagues, teachers, bosses, professional people and others. Though, inwardly, I wanted to believe that I was just as worthy as everyone else, in practice it did not work. When I perceived other people to be recognized above me, it reinforced my belief that I was not good enough. Having these two conflicting views of myself—one that everyone else was better and more important than me, the other that I was just as good as and as important as everyone else—created internal conflict giving rise to much frustration, anger and other negative emotions.

Uncovering my MOULD allowed me to realize how, through my beliefs and behaviour, I kept self-sabotaging myself in my relationships, sport, career path and everything else. Realising how my life was being driven by my MOULD, it enabled me to see all the things I had done or given up on in an effort to overcome the belief I had of of myself. This realization also enabled me to see how necessary it was for me to prove my rightness in every situation in order to get recognition and how in fact, I was self-sabotaging my every effort to do so thereby just reinforcing my MOULD—a self-fulfilling prophecy. I also saw how, in standing in my rightness I created my own unique individual culture of being a "Mr. Nice Guy" resulting in my compromis­ing myself, putting on masks and acts of behaviour for the sake of gaining acceptance and recognition.

As all this unfolded, I saw how I was living my life as a product of my fundamental belief (my MOULD); as a victim of my circumstances exercising no true freedom of choice. But you could never have convinced me of that. Had you tried, I would have told you off with some unsavoury expletives.

With every realization I was experiencing during my reading what I had written, I realized how my feelings and emotions had absolutely nothing to do with anybody or anything else. These were all of my own doing. I could not apportion any blame on anyone for how I had lived my life; not my friends, wife, employers, jobs, my unsuccessful business venture or anything. I also saw that the fundamental reason for getting married and wanting a divorced had nothing to do with my wife or our relationship. It all had to do with me and my need to feel important and better than everyone else. Once I had come to terms with all of these realizations, I knew the time had come for me to take real responsibility for my life and bring about the changes I knew deep within that I needed to make.

Having seen how I had compromised myself to overcome my MOULD, I decided there and then that it was time to put a permanent end to it all forever.  After all, I said to myself, my MOULD is nothing more than a belief I created. It is not a life reality; it is nothing other than my own self-created thinking. The reality is that I am no different than anyone else. I am who and what I am and, without my belief in my MOULD, I am actually “perfect” and have no need for recognition or acceptance. There certainly will be people who will accept me for who and what I am and there will be those who might not. Whatever consequences might result from me being myself, that is just the way it would have to be. The alternative is to continue compromising, an option I could not entertain a moment more.

There and then I decided that, from that moment on, I would no longer allow my MOULD (my emotional fears) to control my life ever again no matter what the consequences might be—even if it meant death. And I really meant that. In that moment, I made a life commitment to myself that, no matter what would happen from that moment on, I was never going to compromise myself again to satisfy my emotional fears. I would ensure to act at all times in total integrity with myself by exercising my freedom of choice in everything I did no matter what the consequences might be. As I made that commitment, I immediately felt and became aware that for the first time in my life I was actually taking real respo­n­sibility and exercising my real freedom of choice for my life.

In an instant I was flooded with thoughts and emotional fears of the possible consequences of this decision. I had thoughts of: am I being selfish—not caring about the needs of the family, my job, my friends, etc. As I considered each of these thoughts, I knew that, if I was to heed even just one of them I would end up, once again, operating out of fear, compromising, becoming a victim of my circumstances, and giving up on exercising my true freedom of choice. As I acknowledged all of these fears in my mind, I said to myself there and then, “… fears, I hear you but that is just tough. I know you are there but, no matter what happens from this moment on, I am not going to compromise myself ever again by listening to you.”

What I experienced next, is something I will cherish for the rest of my life. I must point out that all of these thoughts, feelings, realizations, and decisions were happening at the speed of thought; as fast as my thoughts could process each thought; they were happening at “thought speed” (if you know what I mean). It wasn’t something that took over a period of days of considerations, pondering, weigh up the pros and cons etc. No, it all happened as I sat there reviewing what I had written over the past month.

In the moment I made this new commitment for the rest of my life I felt as if an enormous weight was lifting off my shoulders. A weight of a lifetime burden. At the same time, I felt like some great source of quiet power and energy was building up and entering my body from beneath me as I sat there. I have no idea how long this all took, but it wasn’t more than a few minutes. There were no bright lights, visions or anything like that flashing through my eyes or mind. I was experiencing it as a very quiet, yet strong, energy going through my body.

At the end of this experience, I realized how clear I was about how I would handle everything in my life; my marriage, my job, my business, my family, and everything else. I also instantly felt how much I really cared about everyone around me—my family, friends, colleagues. I was clear about how, no matter what choices I was going to make about my life, I experienced a knowing that I was going to do everything in my power to ensure that I would provide and care for my family in the best way I could. As to whether or not my choices were going to receive the approval of everyone else around me, I knew that I had no control over that. But, regardless of how others were going to react to my choices, I was not going to compromise myself to make them feel okay.

One of the first things I would address was my marriage. I was now clear that I wanted out of my marriage. There and then I decided to end it once and for all. With that, I picked up my writings to give them to my wife to read. I wanted to tell her that I was going to end our marriage and that my decision had really nothing to do with her. As I stood up from my chair and started walking toward where my wife sat in the lounge, I was feeling very light. It was as if I was walking on a cushion of air where my feet did not touch the ground. Seemed like I was just floating and only felt my feet back on the ground again as I approached my wife.

The more realizations I experienced and the more in-tune I became with my new-found state of being, the more aware I became of my unconditional acceptance of (and love for) everyone and everything else. I felt a different kind of love. It seemed greater than it had ever been. For the first time, I knew what it meant to love unconditionally and not have expectations, judgments, dependencies, ifs or buts—nothing.

This unconditional acceptance, however, did not mean unconditionally accepting a person’s behaviour. This was more about accepting another human being as an equal, regardless of who they are—accepting all live forms as equal no matter what they are. It was about seeing everyone and everything in life as an equal entitled to unconditionally share everything Life makes available to us.

It was an all amazing experience I was going through.

Following this experience I decided to put this to the test on those closest to me—my family and friends. What I discovered was how I was able to help them uncover their own unique MOULD and how this influenced their opinions, points of view, ideas, attitudes about themselves and their lives. Uncovering this helped them make life-altering changes for their lives.

Realising I had stumbled upon and uncovered something unique, I have since “proved” the power of our MOULD over and again as a fundamental element driving force in people behaviour. By uncovering your MOULD you are able to see why you are really behaving the way you instead of trying to punish yourself to conform according to socially accepted norms and values.

Whilst this may sound a selfish attitude, it is actually the total opposite. This is about self-caring. And if you cannot, first, practice self-caring and self-love you have no chance of practicing these towards anyone or anything else—something you can read more about in my other articles.

This is all about taking real responsibility for your life.

Taking real Responsibility means being able to exercise real Freedom of Choice and being the source of all your emotional experiences.

RESPONSIBILITY -> FREEDOM of CHOICE -> INNER PEACE and CON­­­T­­ENTMENT

YOUR LIFE CAN BE DIFFERENT

Back to top