DECISIONS or FREE CHOICE?
By Sergio Salotto

Freedom of choice a phrase used to signify our right to do and say whatever we want. But to what extent do you really exercise this "right?" You might believe that you exercise your right of free choice with every decision you make for your life, like:

• what clothes you wear
• what film shows you see
• what job or career you chose
• who you marry or get into a relationship with
• what you eat
• whether you chose to smoke, drink, take drugs
• which political party or religious philosophy you follow

But are you making these choices out of real freedom of choice? Or, are you perhaps only making decisions to satisfy emotional needs?

Consider for example the “free choices” you took to:

• stay in any unhappy relationship in spite of feeling you wanted to leave
• stay in a job/company you disliked
• choose a career which may be against your heart’s real desire, or to satisfy your parents’ wishes; with a view of being successful and rich
• start smoking, drinking, drugging
• have the partner in your relationship; why did you choose them; are they your absolute ideal partner? If not, why are you still in this relationship?
• compromise yourself out of fear of being rejected, not unloved, not being acceptable
• have sex when you would rather not have (out of fear of losing your partner), or to control a situation with your partner
• offer to help someone when you really did not want to
• give up on your childhood dreams
• have or not have children—despite what you really wanted
• not tell the truth out of fear of the possible consequences
• always have to be in control out of fear of being a failure

…and many others

If you look closely at your reasons why you made these “choices” it is more than probable that in most cases you did so to satisfy your emotional needs arising out of your fear of the possible consequences—fear of: rejection, failure, non-acceptance, not being part of, not being loved, and so on.

If you are making “choices” to satisfy fear driven emotionally needs, is it really possible for you to make unconditional free choices?  Hmm … maybe not.

How do you decide on what actions to take in any given situation:

Every moment in a day we face new events		THE EVENT
The EVENT triggers your thought processes—what should I do/not do		(your) THINKING
In your thoughts are stored all your beliefs, views, opinions, social/cultural conditioning and our largest influence, your MOULD—source of your emotional fears		(your) MOULD
Your emotional fears trigger your greatest emotional needs—prove your OK’ness, gain recognition, be acceptable, be loved.		(emotional) NEEDS
As you consider your choices/decision these trigger your fears of the possible consequences of your actions		FEAR OF POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES
The fear of possible consequences give rise to your emotions and feelings—happiness, anger, frustration, expectations, etc.		EMOTIONS and FEELINGS
To avoid experiencing the emotional pain rejection, not being good enough, being unloved etc., instead of doing or saying what you really and truly want, you opt to take the “line of least resistance,” the option you believe will emotionally affect you the least. So you forgo exercising your true freedom of choice by making a fear-driven decision		WE MAKE A DECISION (not free choice)
Instead of taking responsibility to exercise your freedom of choice regardless of the possible consequences, you take a decision to re-act out of fear of your possible consequences. Result: Your decisions and actions become a process of re-acting to situations and events instead of being in a position of control through exercising your freedom of choice.		(Re-) ACTION

From the above chart you might see how your actions are not the result of you exercising free choice, they are the result of decisions made out of your fears of the possible consequences. Fears of whether or not your emotional needs would be satisfied.

For example. Today is your partners birthday. Your thinking  tells you that you had better do something special like buying them a present, take them  out to dinner or a movie or something otherwise you will be in trouble. Out of fear of rejection, not being acceptable, unloved or whatever it is for you, you do something which you hope (or know) they will like … even though you may not want to do anything. So you end up compromising yourself. Or, if he/she do not buy you a birthday present, you automatically re-act by thinking that they do not love you anymore, they have a new lover, you are not good enough for him/her anymore—so you give your partner the “cold shoulder,” or use the slightest opportunity to have an argument with them.

A close self-analysis of how or why you take these decisions will show you how they are made in response to satisfying your emotional needs and feelings arising out of your MOULD and your fears of possible consequences—need to be accepted, fear of rejection etc. If the decisions you make are aimed to satisfy your emotions and feelings, then it stands to reason that it is not you who is making decisions. It is your emotions and feelings that are the driving forces behind your decisions.

You might argue that, since you the one who experiences the emotions and feelings, it must be you making the decision and, therefore, these must arise out of your freedom of choice. Well, think about the many decisions you have made that went against your gut feel - against your better judgment. Think about the decisions you took based on, or in the hope of experiencing, “feeling good” feelings or emotions—like getting into an intimate relation­ship because you felt you were “in love” or you felt loved. Compare your decision-making process to the chart above and see if just maybe, the decisions you made were not based on what you really wanted or how you truly felt within, not from your true inner self, but rather as a result of the emotions and feelings you experienced at the time.

How many times you have you acted or behaved in a certain manner and then regretted it and wished you could turn the clock back so as to change things? Could that have been because the consequences of your actions turned out to be not favorable for you? For example, let’s say your partner asks you what is for supper. If you have not cooked you immediate thoughts could be, “If I tell him I did not cook, he will think I don’t care about him, that I am not good enough, am not a worthy wife, that I am unacceptable, an unworthy partner”—all thoughts triggered and driven by your MOULD. Out of your fears of rejection you react with a defensive emotional attack ending up in a heated domestic argument. Afterwards you realize that your automatic emotional (re)action was unwarranted and wish you could turn the clock back.

You will, no doubt, have also experienced situations where you have had different thoughts and feelings about similar events resulting in you making different decisions and (re)acting differently. For example, on two separate occasions your partner asks you to go shopping with him/her. In one case, you go willingly and have a great time. At another time, you end up having an argument before you even leave the house because you decide not to go. Same event different (re)action. This demonstrates how your (re)actions are actually in no way connected to the event or situation. What they are connected to directly is your thinking and your MOULD.

It is only your interpretation of the events and the expectations you put on these that trigger your emotions and feelings which lead to your actions and behaviors.

Yet how often have you blamed your c­ir­cumstances (your partner, children, parent, job, the government, politicians etc.) for the way you feel and how you have (re)acted? You reasoning might go along the line of, “He forgot our anniversary so I did not prepare any supper.” Here you have interpreted his forgetting your anniversary as, “He no longer loves me; he must be seeing someone else,” and so on. You blame him for how you felt and justify your automatic reactions arising out of the decisions you made as a result of your fears of the possible consequences (rejection, not being loved). The result off all this is that YOU made yourself a victim of your circumstances.

Being a victim of your circumstances does not only apply to the negati­ve aspect of the word victim. You are a victim in any situation where you make your well-being dependent upon your circumstances—“good” or “bad.” For example, when you find yourself in very pleasant circumstances (being on holiday, having lots of money, your partner is nice to you, your circumstances have met your expectations) you feel great, life is great, everything is great. What you are really experiencing however is that you are pleasantly in effect. When the circumstances change and they no longer meet your expectations or liking, you will experience yourself as being un-pleasantly in effect—life suddenly sucks, your partner no longer loves you, and so on. Regardless of how you feel in either situation, the bottom line is that you are a victim of your circumstances; you are dependent upon your circumstances for your state of being. This shows how much power and control you give your circumstances over your life and how powerless you become. Furthermore, when you are un-pleasantly in effect you blame everything and everyone around you for the way you feel.

Under these circumstances there is no way you can even begin to exercise any degree of true freedom of choice. You can only exercise true freedom of choice when you are in control.

Of the two victim situations, being pleasantly in effect poses the greatest danger to your inner well-being and ability to exercise our freedom of choice. The reason for this is that when you are un-pleasantly in effect you feel terrible so you are more likely to look to do something about it. On the other hand, when you feel great and are pleasantly in effect, you believe that everything is just fine—that you are making the right choices for your life and so have no desire or reason to check or consider whether your sense of “well-being” is circumstan­tially driven or whether you are creating the circumstan­ces. You see no need to do anything about anything. Your only concern is that your status quo must not change. In fact you don’t want to even spare a thought on anything changing for the worse because of your fears of losing what you have. You thoughts focus only on making decisions which you believe, and hope will maintain things as they are. So you become self-centered, greedy, inconsiderate, self-righteous, arrogant, uncaring and more. In other words, you become destructive and continue to live your life as a victim of your circumstances.

But there is another way. Living your life exercising real Freedom of Choice.

Regardless of the environment or culture you may have been raised in and how this may have influenced your thinking, there is a unique, spiritual essence within you that cannot be changed or influenced. It is the Inner Self. The “ I.”

Whilst your physical appearances will be shaped by the genes and DNAs of your parents and your thinking influenced by the environment and cultures you are exposed to, no genes, DNA, environment or culture can ever influence or shape your Inner Self. And that is the core of who and what you are. It is what makes each of us unique. In order for us to manifest who we really are and be able to exercise our true freedom of choice, we have to allow our Inner Self to manifest IT’s unique individuality.

Our Inner Self is nothing mystical or magical. Though we may refer to it as a spiritual essence, this does not automatically make it mystical. The reason why we are not in touch with IT is linked to our MOULD.

What I have found is that spending time and energy analyzing the whys or wherefores of this connection adds no benefit. For that reason I will not venture into discussing that link. What is of greater importance and value is that we focus on looking at why we are not manifesting the “ I ” within and then look at how we can go about exposing this. That is far more important and useful.

As discussed above, with each event we encounter, we are moved to react in a certain way. As we find ourselves behaving the same way each time we experience the same emotions or feelings, out of this repetitiveness we conclude that this is “who and what we are.” For example,

• you walk into a room full of strangers and feel insecure so you withdraw into a little corner by yourself and watch everyone else (conclusion: I am an introvert, I am a shy person, insecure)
• you are the center of attention at a party, telling jokes and making everyone laugh (conclusion: I am an extrovert, life of a party, confident and secure)
• because of being hurt in the past you may not trust anybody (I don’t trust easily)
• because of your religious upbringing and beliefs, you may have prudish views over your sexuality and sex (I do not believe in having sex out of marriage)
• you might be someone who has to be in control of everything in your life (I am a control freak)
• when you hear something go bump in the night, you crawl further under your blankets (I am a real scaredy-cat)
• you don’t take no for an answer and will fight to have your way (I am forceful/demanding/results-oriented).

Out of these beliefs you shape your life with the firm conclusion that this is who and what you really are—a process further reinforced by the people around you who label you according to your behavior.

Added to that some religions and philosophies promote the belief that manifesting your beliefs, attitudes, emotions and feelings and behaviors is WHO YOU ARE. Some even promote the ideal that we should accept our behaviors because that’s WHO and WHAT we really are. All I can say to that is, “Heaven help us” because let’s face it, our human behavior throughout the ages in most cultures has been anything but an example of humaneness. If anything, it has been barbaric. Though we have changed in many ways, our lifestyle of destruction arising out of our beliefs, attitudes and behaviors is just as bad (if not worse) than ever.
 
However, if these religious ideals were to be THE TRUTH, then each of us should find it very simple to love WHO WE ARE. The truth however is quite the opposite—unless you may have convinced yourself that it is so because your religion says it is (indoctrination). If you are amongst those of us who are not convinced, why do you find it difficult to unconditionally accept and love “this personality” the way it is?

Because, deep within, you have a deeper truth and knowing that the personality you are manifesting is NOT the person you really are. Your current behavior does NOT constitute WHO or WHAT you are. That is why you keep asking yourself, wondering and searching for that “WHO AM I.”

A struggle you experience as a result of you repeatedly negating and compromising on your Inner Self. The way you negate and compromise yourself is by not following what you feel within, your gut feeling, on what you really should be doing with your life; by not fulfilling that which you know is truly the most meaningful and important “mission” (purpose) for your life. Instead of listening to your Inner Self and living a fulfilling and purposeful life, you negate what you know and have always known. This negation of the Self creates the emptiness you experience which you then strive to fill by trying to create meaning out of all the things you do each day. But as we know, despite keeping ourselves busy, at the end if it all the emptiness remains.

What then is this “I,” this Inner Self?

Whilst many books have been published on this topic and every religion has a view or belief of what this is, I am of the view that the only way to truly identify this “I” is through your own personal experience. Even then whilst you may be able to describe the experience, it is unlikely that you would be able to describe your "I" in such a way that it would mean anything to anybody else. The only real way for others to understand or “get” what it is, will be through you manifesting yourself in life: that is, living life as who and what you really are.

If you had the opportunity to live your life fulfilling your heart’s real desire and pursue what you hold as the most important thing in your life, would you continue doing what you are doing now? And here I am not referring to your career, being wealthy, parking off on a beach somewhere, travelling the world or any other such thing you may wish and dream for in order to create meaning for your life.

I am referring to something far more meaningful and important for you. I am referring to that special passion you feel inside have about something in this life; a passion that given the opportunity you could quite easily dedicate your life to; a passion that when you think or talk about it stirs up something in you to want to go out and change the world; it is a heart-felt passion that makes your pulse race because you feel its effects in your gut, at your core, it has great meaning for your life. It is a passion you have been carrying with you all your life; it is a passion that has not changed for you despite everything you have experienced in your life to date.

I have yet to encounter anyone who does not experience and know their passion. Regardless of whether or not they are out there living and manifesting their passion for their life, it does not take it away or change the core of who they really are.

YOUR PASSION is who and what you really are.

Except for a few however, out of their fear of the possible consequences (no money, feeling not good enough etc.) the vast majority of people give up on themselves, they give up on dedicating their life to fulfilling this inner passion. In so doing they compromise on their life meaning and values.

When you listen to and follow your Inner Self and live your life accordingly, you will experience a sense of inner peace brought about because you are exercising your true freedom of choice. Not following your Inner Self is to negate your essence—who you are. When you compromise yourself in this manner you are denying yourself the power of exercising your true freedom of choice. By giving up on your freedom of choice, you automatically make yourself a victim of your circumstances and end up living your life out of constant fear of the possible consequences. As a victim of your circumstances, you have no other choice but to make decisions instead of exercising true freedom of choice.

When you live every moment doing what is important for your life you are living liking what you were doing (as opposed to “doing what you like”). It is a moment when your Thinking, your Gut Feel (what you wanted to do with your time at that moment) and what you are Doing are in tota­l “alignment” with one another.

(your) THINKING = (your) GUT FEEL (‘I’) = (your) DOING

When you live your life out of this congruence, you are operating in TOTAL INTEGRITY with who and what you are; you are manifesting your real self.

“ I ” for INTGERITY represents the “I” in who and what you are – your Inner Self.

Living in total integrity with yourself and liking what you are doing allows you to experience complete freedom, inner peace and contentment. The moment you give up on your integrity by listening to and heading your MOULD-driven fears—even to the smallest degree—you are giving up on and compromising on who you are. When you compromise yourself in this manner, you have no option but to automatically experience yourself and life as a victim of your circumstances. In this state of being freedom of choice is no longer available to you. You have no option but to take decisions based on your fears of possible consequences and live your live your life as a victim instead of the source of your experiences.

When you live your life in integrity with who and what you are, you are exercising total FREEDOM OF CHOICE and will experience yourself as the SOURCE/CAUSE of every moment.

Being the SOURCE of such an experience is not anything new to you. It is something you have already experienced countless times in your life. The only thing missing is that to date you have compromised on yourself because of your belief in your MOULD and allowed yourself to live as a victim of your circumstances.

So, if you have experienced it even just once before in your life, then it is available to you to live and experience every moment in time for your whole life.

You are the only one standing in the way of creating and living a meaningful and fulfilling life

INTEGRITY  =  FREEDOM OF CHOICE   =  INNER PEACE

YOUR LIFE CAN BE DIFFERENT

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